In part 1 of How To Control A Mind we discussed the significance of our emotions and the effect they have on our thinking and our mind. Here in part 2 we will look at things in more detail and provide methods to use for controlling a mind and hence the quality of life.
Four Ways to Deal With Emotions
How do we make use of it? Well first of all notice how most of us deal with our emotions. Most of us deal with our emotions by suppressing them.
#1 – Try to avoid them… (not an effective method), part of the juice of life is expressing and feeling but sometimes people have so much pain they say I don’t feel anything – it never works – because eventually it comes out anyway and then you feel bad about the fact you didn’t feel good. You have a sense of loss because you didn’t feel things.
#2 – Endure them, grunt it out and make it through this… (again this doesn’t work). Thinking emotions can be suppressed and pushed down in an attempt to “endure it” simply doesn’t work, doesn’t make it better.
#3 – Compete to see who feels the worst…(also unfruitful). Arguing over who has the worst problem is a waste.
#4 – Try to share the pain… (bad idea, just causes others pain). You cannot get rid of an emotion by sharing with others so they can feel bad too and share the pain.
These are not very intelligent ways to deal with emotions however you don’t want to just avoid them.
You don’t want to endure them. You don’t want to compete who’s got the biggest and worst emotion. You don’t want to share them and make a friend feel bad.
Learn to Transform
What you want to do is learn from your emotions and utilize them. In order to do that we have to change what something means to us. When we change what something means we transform our emotion(s). In other words, if you are feeling really upset, angry about something, it’s because of the meaning you have linked to that something. When you pause to really look at the situation that is the precise time to change the meaning you have been holding on to and allow yourself the opportunity to transform the feeling. If you keep the same negative emotion and don’t make a change in how you feel about it but rather pretend it’s not there, that’s suppression. And that is when you get in trouble.
Make your goal to not suppress your emotions, instead express whatever you feel once you have thought it out so as to be able to communicate well…. this is very important. Without taking some time to think things through first you may say things that you’ll regret later on. In the heat of the moment you’re in a state, so what you first want to do is see if you can transform it honestly and sincerely. As an example, you can ask whomever it is you are engaged with something like…“can you help me, I need to change this, can you give me some more information or some feedback or help me to clarify this thing.”
You Make You Feel The Way You Feel
Question: Can anybody do something/anything and make you feel something? Answer: No, absolutely not! It’s actually you who makes you feel that something. You chose to make yourself feel the way you feel by communicating to yourself and saying such things as ‘when you did that it made me feel this’. Behaviour like this implies that somebody made you do something. This approach takes responsibility away from the only one person who can change your life – YOU! Take on the solution to work on communicating in such a way as to transform your feelings, as it is in fact your responsibility and not anyone else’s.
What you’re really doing here is making it clear and requesting help. We’re all in the helping business, that’s why we do what we do, that’s the bottom line. Hence, developing a format where we don’t suppress and where we don’t just express, because you know what happens?… what we really end up doing is venting and/or demanding. Venting and demanding does not make communication better in the long term. What you actually want, what we all actually want, is to go to a different level that transforms our communication and what things mean to us. It’s about utilizing a format enabling one to take the emotions being experienced and to deal with them quickly and beneficially.
Six Steps To Best Utilize Any Emotion
What you used to call negative emotions are now to be known as emotional messages and a call to action. So now whenever you begin to sense any negative feeling/emotion coming on, recognize it as a call to action telling you there is a need to change something! And what do you need to change? …one of two things, either your perception (focus) or your actions (the way you are using your body).
Let’s look at the six steps that will help you best utilize any emotion and change your perception and/or your actions:
#1 – identify what the emotion is. You want to define what the emotion is and then ask yourself ‘what am I really feeling underneath?’ You could write down this question and provide a written answer that may look like this; I’m upset with this person but what I’m really feeling is hurt (a little bit of hurt OR a sense of hurt OR a sense of loss). This will in fact change how you feel in that moment. When you write down or say what you are really feeling use some transformational vocabulary. So instead of saying I’m destroyed, I’m devastated, I’m humiliated use transformational vocabulary as in the example above and use what is referred to as softeners. Softeners are the words like; a little bit or a sense of.
#2 – acknowledge and appreciate what the message has for you. Don’t deny your emotions, don’t avoid your emotions, don’t suppress your emotions, don’t make them wrong, don’t share them. When identifying, acknowledging and appreciating what the message has for you the pathway to really true benefits shows up. Make having a real emotion a celebration.
#3 – get incredibly curious as to what the emotion has to offer you, as to what the message is underneath. Write down the question – what is the real message this emotion is giving me?
#4 – get yourself to feel reassured that you can deal with this emotion. You can do that by remembering a time when you’ve dealt with this emotion successfully in the past. So if all of a sudden you start to feel depressed, a little bit down, the first thing you do is ask yourself ‘what am I really feeling’ and begin to appreciate that there is a message you need to get curious about. What is that message, what is the message this thing is trying to give you. And just so you are aware, a depression message usually means you need to reset your priorities. You don’t feel like you’re in control, you have too many things going at once. So set some priorities and go do the first one on your list. The minute you do your self-esteem will go right back up.
#5 – get certain that you can handle anything like this in the future. Get certain that not only can you deal with the emotion you have right now but you can use it any time as an opportunity. Rehearse it, see yourself dealing with it in the future. Think of a time in the future where this depression could come up and see yourself, feel yourself using this as a tool of empowerment. See and feel yourself dealing with it easily, do this two or three or even four times. If you keep doing it then in the future when it comes up your brain will say I can handle this, I’m already prepared. Your brain cannot tell the difference between something you vividly imagine and something you actually experienced!
#6 – take action and change your life! Whatever the message is take the action that you need to take and change your life. Do something, doing something will always change how you feel. You feel bad because you’re not doing anything and you’ll continue to feel bad until you do something to change.
TIP: remember the things that have resources for us and forget the things that don’t!
The Big Nine Emotions
Let me give you nine of the most common emotions and what they usually mean:
Fear; means that you have to prepare for something. You’re afraid because your brain is telling you to prepare, change what you’re doing and get more prepared for something that’s going to happen. So get prepared and focus on what you want.
Hurt; usually means you expected someone to treat you a certain way and they didn’t, the expectation you had was not met. So again, you should focus on what you do want, don’t keep focusing on why you’re disappointed or how somebody disappointed you or how you feel so hurt by them. Your expectation wasn’t met, you need to change your approach and your communication. You need to better communicate your needs or meet someone else’s needs better.
Anger; a major rule you have has been violated when you’re angry. You may also be angry because you violated your own rules.
Frustration; is a message that what you’re doing isn’t working and that you need to change. It means you still can succeed but you got to change.
Disappointment; is a message telling you to let go of something, move on and focus on what you want.
Guilt; a powerful emotion if it’s not abused, overused and indulged in. It’s telling you that you have violated one of your own standards and you need to do something immediately to be certain you won’t do this again! You’re having that pain of guilt because your brain is saying you just violated one of your most important standards of your life. You’re going to keep getting this pain until you make certain you’re not going to do this again. The message is saying get clear, you broke your own rules and now you need to commit, no matter what, to not doing it again. The purpose of guilt is to make sure you don’t violate your standards and that you do it right in the future. CAUTION: make sure your standards are not unreasonable!
Overwhelm; feeling overwhelmed, helpless or depressed is a message that your brain is giving you when you’re over worked and believe you have to immediately change everything in your life. You can’t change everything in life all at once. You do it a step at a time. Where do you start? Right where you are! Sit down and re prioritize, just write a list of what’s most important for you to do and the one thing you could do right away to start feeling better. You stop trying to do everything at once and do one thing well, as soon as you do that one thing well you’ll feel like you’re in control of your life.
Feeling Alone; is a message to let you know you need to connect with people. Your perception needs to change followed by your action to go out and meet somebody.
Feel Inadequate; is a message that you need to change your standards because you are being unfair to yourself. Some people feel inadequate if they are not perfect at something. How many are great the first day they ever tried to tie your shoes. When you do anything over and over again you get good at. You only feel inadequate when your standard is to be perfect the first time.
And In The End
You can control a mind when you understand how to control the emotions. Change your perception and take a new action. You are fully equipped to live the life of your dreams. Your mind is yours to control, no one or nothing else is responsible.
Make the choice to be in control of your emotions and mind every minute of every day. In doing this your life will serve you well, beyond your own imagination.
Click this link to read part 1 of this article >>> How To Control A Mind – Part 1 of 2
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